I’m going to see my psychologist tomorrow, like I do every Thursday. One of the first things she’s going to ask me is “How have your moods been since I saw you last?”

Problem: Do I lie and tell her that they’ve been fine? That the doubling of my medication is working great and that I’ve had the motivation to even get out of bed, and that I haven’t thrown up every night and then cried myself to sleep? Or do I tell her the truth: That the voices are getting louder, and I’m seeing people that aren’t real everywhere I look. That I’m lonelier than ever and I’m scared I’m making all of these voices and imaginary people up just so I have someone to listen to. She doesn’t even know I hear them at all. She doesn’t even know they’re there. 

Should I tell her I miss my bestfriend more than anything and that I know she’s just trying to get back at me for cancelling plans and that I’m so paranoid about losing her because I’m such a fucking idiot? Maybe I should tell her I’ve been drinking myself stupid to try and make it all disappear but it really only makes it worse, only I never find that out until it’s too late and I’m crying because I want to be normal. 

But we all know I’ll just say “Yeah, not too bad.”

Fuck me. I don’t know what’s going on inside my head anymore and I’m so sick of trying to figure it out. Somebody else can take over for a while.